


What's Lost In Winning

by BlackJade



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Angst, Found Family, Found and then lost and then found again family more like it, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicidal Thoughts, The Director is sad and the Emotionally Stunted Elf Boy(tm) comforts her, i wanted to get this out before the next campain so sorry for the shape it's in, no re-watching we post are canonically inaccurate fics like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-02
Updated: 2017-09-02
Packaged: 2018-12-22 20:59:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11974905
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlackJade/pseuds/BlackJade
Summary: "At least you won't have to deal with that for much longer," she said absently, running her fingers along the binding of her book.Taako froze, eyes on her suddenly. "What. The Fuck. Is that supposed to mean."In which Taako and The Director have a heart to heart in her office. (Rated T for Language)





	What's Lost In Winning

  They won

  They defeated the Hunger

  The thought of it didn’t really hit Lucretia until well after the fight, after the moon base regained a sense of normalcy.

  They saved this plane, and it was their forever-home now.

  No more resets.

  It was a bittersweet sentiment, she realized. Because, hey, they did it, everyone’s safe, the world’s that were eaten are being pieced back together last she heard, and her team was back together. Happy endings for all, right?

  But at the same time, here she was, left in the middle of all her mistakes, the city of Phandelin on her conscience, her body older than it should be, and her friends hating her for all the pain she caused.

  They didn’t tell her, of course, but she could tell. Tell by the sideways glances Magnus would give her when there was a lull in the conversations. Tell by the curt and indirect ways Merle told her she should leave. Tell by the pointed expression Davenport would give her whenever she tried apologizing. Hell, the twins had been avoiding her since the battle, probably because they couldn’t stand to see her face after all the dust had settled.

  Even people of the Bureau were upset at her. Avi would stare out into the distance sometimes, humming one of Johann’s compositions under his breath. Sometimes others would notice as well, and if anyone saw the tears, they were polite enough to not mention it. Killian and Carey had outings with the others, but the open invitation towards the Director was a polite formality at best. Lucretia doubted they actually wanted her to show up, especially after what had happened to the other Regulators.

  So instead of relaxing, Lucretia poured herself into her work. It was pretty easy to found the Bureau of Balance into something new, something to help clean up the mess she made instead of finding the relics. The rest of the team found their way elsewhere; last she heard Taako was trying to start a magic school and Merle was spending more time with his kids. They all stayed nearby, for the most part, but seldom was it that the whole crew was on the moon base at the same time. That said, today was the two month anniversary of the Hunger’s attack, or the Day of Story and Song, or “Not-End-of-the-World-but-Pretty-Damn-Close” as some Bureau employees called it, and Magnus had decided that a get-together was in order. It wasn’t an official party, and Lucretia hadn’t wanted to make a speech anyways, but still, everyone from the Bureau had come to pay respects to those lost in the battle, and reminisce on their times hunting the relics (though what there was to reminisce on was lost on her). Taako had brought Kravitz along, the two showing up fashionably late, and Magnus brought his new dog, named Johann, despite the ban of dogs on the moon. Avi didn’t seem to mind.

  Lucretia holed herself in her office, writing what she had told others were “important director papers”, but in actuality were just her scribbling on a page as she worried too much. It wasn’t a conscious choice, she did want to get work done, but somehow having everyone home again made things difficult for her.

  Wait, home? Since when was the moon base home? Sure, it was the only real place Lucretia had settled down through the decade she’d been alone on this plane, but everyone else had homes elsewhere. This was what she was talking about, getting in her head about what she meant to the team and what they thought of her. Thinking about how long it would take for them to finally forgive her for the sins she had committed, if they would forgive her at all in her lifetime. After all, it wasn’t like she was going to be here for much longer, at the rate she was going. Wonderland took 20 years from her in one fell swoop, sure, but the constant work stress wasn’t doing her any favors. She considered for the first time how short a human lifespan could be.

  No, that was a lie. She had considered it before, considered how long it took her to get the Bureau of Balance together, considered how little time she actually had when the Starblaster didn't reset her physical form every year. She had considered how if she did die before the others regained their memories, this would be it, the Hunger would never be stopped, and all of the pain and suffering would be for naught.

  Now, though, now it was a different consideration. Elves and dwarves and Gnomes, they all lived so much longer than humans, and even Magnus was easily twenty years younger than she was, which pained her, of course it pained her, because they used to be the same age, so long ago, and after their trip to Wonderland a sick part of her was glad she had that in common again, at least, but he got his younger body back and her subconscious screamed that it wasn’t fair, none of this was fair, and the guilt over her thoughts made her that much more certain of the penance she should pay.

  She was so caught up in her thoughts that she didn’t hear when someone was calling from her doorway.

  “-cretia? Lucretia?” Taako asked, snapping the woman in question out of her thoughts.

  “Ah, yes, Taako?” She answered, genuinely curious. The most Taako interacted with her lately was as message boy for the rest of the crew. Rarely did he come to talk to her out of his own volition, and even then it was just to notify her of whatever was going on within the Bureau, never to talk personally. On top of that, he always acted coldly towards her, clearly still blaming her for what happened to his sister.

  “Magnus has been calling you on the stone for a while, and you didn't pick up, so he had me come in and check on you,” he said, an unreadable expression on his face as he studied Lucretia and her office. It was a bit messy, messier than he had ever seen it before, she supposed, but still remained functional.

  That explained why he showed up, but not why he was sticking around. "Ah, my apologies. I hope I didn't take up too much of your time. What is it that he needed?" She asked, closing the book in front of her, hoping that he bought she was reading over her papers and not just stuck in her thoughts. The raised eyebrows he gave her told her how much he didn't buy it.

  "Dunno, homie, just said I should stop by. Which, by the way, I'm having to do a lot more recently, thanks for noticing." He flipped his hair and scoffed, though there was softness in his tone that wasn't lost on her. She made a humming noise, wondering why he would take pity on her now, and why he even bothered checking in on her for Magnus, seeing as he was just as far away as Taako had been.

  "At least you won't have to deal with that for much longer," she said absently, running her fingers along the binding of her book.

  Taako froze, eyes on her suddenly. "What. The _Fuck_. Is that supposed to mean." He nearly snarled, narrowing his eyes. She was taken aback, not expecting this response from the typically apathetic elf. It wasn’t a particularly important comment, to her, it just slipped out, and for a moment she didn’t really understand what was wrong.

  “I mean, with all that's happened in the past few years. Everything that I did to get to this point, it's worn me down," She said, shrugging, keeping eye contact with Taako. “Wonderland took what it wanted from me, and I never lived the greatest of lives. It’s just the natural order of things.”

  This explanation didn't calm Taako, who slowly crossed the room to grab on to her shoulders, like one of them would crumble if he let go of her now. He just stared at her, his face becoming unreadable yet again. Slowly, he took a breath and said lowly, "I _just_ got my whole family back, you do _not_ get to break us apart again by going on some sort of-" his voice breaks and he clears his throat, misty eyed.

  Oh.

 _Oh_.

  She tentatively wrapped her arms around him, to which he responded by hugging around her neck and burying his face in her shoulder. Her thoughts screamed at her to run away, that she shouldn’t force him to touch her, a monster, a sinner, he shouldn’t be forced to look at her for the things she had done. She instead took a breath.

  "I didn't..." She started, trying to find the words that would appease him, "... I didn't mean it like that. It's just. I'm human. And without the yearly resets, I won't last nearly as long as the rest of you. I didn't mean... I'm not..."

  "When was the last time you ate, Lucretia?" He asked, still nestled into her shoulder. She paused at that, truly having to think. When was the last time she ate? Surely she had eaten something today? Or yesterday? Taako continued as she sat in silence, "what about the last time you slept? Talked to someone outside of business formalities?"

  "It's not.. It's not like that." She said, trying to convince herself of the same thing. She didn't want to die, it's just that she would. She would die and the rest of them would be sad for a bit, maybe, but they'd remember all the bad she did and they'd realize she was just a reminder of all the pain and she was keeping them down and they wouldn't remember her in a years time because she's not something to be dwelled on and--" she shuttered a breath, wondering when she started saying these things aloud and why Taako was holding her so tightly. "Why don't you hate me? You should hate me, I took away the only person you had growing up, I didn’t look hard enough for her, for Barry, I could have found them, I should have known she was there in the Umbrastaff, I should have--" Her mind raced, taunting her with all the ‘should have’s and ‘could have’s. Taako gripped her harder, in a feat of strength she hadn't expected.

  "If I don't get to blame myself for not finding her, then don't you _fucking_ **_dare_** try to blame yourself," he said, rubbing small circles into her back.

   "Why aren't you angry?" She asked, barely a whisper, her whole being seeming to slump under the weight of what she had done.

  Taako let out a leveled breath, pulling away to look her in the eye. He had a flushed face, and his eyelashes were damp. "Honestly, I am angry. I'm still fucking pissed about everything that happened and I don't fully forgive you for making me forget my own twin sister, like, what the fuck." Lucretia trembled a bit, but Taako continued on, "But. I know that I won't be angry forever. And I know that you did what you thought was right. Lup already forgave you, and, hey, it all worked out in the end. Sure, I'm a little fucked up, but so is everyone."

  "You shouldn't--" she tried to get out something in her defense, but Taako interrupted.

  "Nope, uh-uh, Taako's talking right now. Seriously, we all care about you, whether you like it or not. And 'not-something-to-be-dwelled-on' my ass. We just remembered the hundred years we spent together; you seriously think we'll be forgetting those anytime soon?"

  She shook her head, standing dumbly in his arms. The two of them made their way to the small sofa against one of the walls and sat there in comfortable silence, Lucretia leaning against Taako with his arm over her shoulder. It was a comfort she hadn’t felt since the Starblaster days. Eventually, Lucretia broke the silence.

  "You know, when we were facing off against the Hunger, and I was preparing the spell, and you were pointing the Umbrastaff at me, I expected you to kill me... And the only reason I wasn't okay with it, looking back, is because I needed to save this plane. Like, after it was all over, I almost wished you would have back to finish the job. Or Lup. Or death himself, honestly, I didn't care, I just knew I needed someone to, I don't know, punish me, or get revenge or _something_..." She trailed off, staring blankly at the portrait of herself, her younger self, still on the wall. Saying how she felt after bottling it up for so long was exhausting, despite the fact she hadn’t shed a tear the entire time. Taako looked at her, worried, but slipped into a small smile.

  "Krav wouldn't have wreaked vengeance on you, he's not that way. And besides, as I said, everything's worked out. Mostly,” Taako looked down at his hand in his lap, picking at his cuticles. “I haven’t been a very good friend recently, have I?”

  Lucretia was taken aback, whipping her head towards him. “What makes you say that?”

  He let out a small chuckle, but it was darker than it should have been. “Here I was, wallowing in my own misery, my sister back and a loving boyfriend, and you’re stuck alone with your thoughts for way longer than what’s healthy after what we’ve been through,” He _tsk_ ed, running a hand through his hair. “Sometimes I forget you’re the same Lucretia I knew on the Starblaster. Like, here I am mourning the woman who’s right in front of me. You’re just so much…” He trailed off.

  “Older?” She asked, a smirk on her lips.

  “No, not older. Well, that too, but just… wiser. More life-weary. Like, you’re disconnected from the world around you, and I feel you on that, but it’s like looking at the statue of a woman I once knew, not actually being able to talk to you, at least not really. And it seems like every day you withdraw further and further away from us.”

  “I’m sorry. I did not intend to be off-putting,” She tried studying his face, but it was level and calculated, still staring at his manicure as though it was the most interesting thing in the room.

  “That’s not what I meant. I meant, like, you’re still you, yeah? It’s just that the time we spent not remembering, it drove a wedge between us. And, me and Merle and Magnus? We were able to re-learn each other, I guess. No, wait, that sounds weird. We, like, got to know each other again, from scratch, but also with this common ground that none of us really understood at the time? And Barry and Lup, they weren’t even around until we remembered, not really. Not enough for there to be an impression. And Davenport could barely say his name, let alone become a new person for us to un-learn,” The mention of Davenport make Lucretia sick to her stomach, but Taako continued on anyways. “But you, you were a completely different person. And now, in my mind, I have Nerd-Alert-Lucretia and Madam-Director-Lucretia and it’s hard sometimes to piece together that they’re the same person. So, until I got that sorted out, I didn’t really talk to you much, and I see now how that can be misconstrued, and hell, maybe I also didn’t want to talk to you because I was pissed off. I don’t know, emotions are not Taako’s strong suit.”

  “I wasn’t the most approachable in the first place. I just… I never… I didn’t want to remind you all of the poor choices I made. Lup nearly lost her mind in that damned umbrella, and I knew that if I just looked a little harder, let you remember her at all, anything, it would be better. You would be better. And Davenport… I took away everything he was, and after I saw the shell I made him, instead of inoculating him, I just kept him on a leash like some kind of _monster_. He doesn’t trust me, and I didn’t blame him.” Lucretia shuttered, breathing becoming ragged.

  “…When’d you start referring to yourself in past tense, Luce?” Taako asked, hugging her closer to him, leaning his head on hers. She let out a bitter laugh.

  “Maybe Lucretia did die on the Starblaster. Maybe I’m just some fucked up phantasm here to haunt those I loved once,” She closed her eyes, sighing through her nose.

  “..They still love you, you know? Even as Madam-Director-Lucretia. God knows Magnus has said it enough times for it to ring true for the rest of them.” Taako said, rubbing his thumb against her shoulder.

  “And you?” She asked, chancing a glance at this face. He was looking right at her, somber, but at ease.

  “Yeah, me too.” He said, and Lucretia knew that that’s as close to an “I love you” as one can get from Taako. Clearing his throat, he rose up from the sofa and stretched, flipping his hair and taking his ‘I-don’t-care-about-anyone-but-Taako’ stance. “Alright, enough mushy-gushy shit, let’s go pilfer some food from somewhere, find the others, and all have a big family cuddle sesh’.”

  “A ‘family cuddle sesh’?” She asked, brow raised, but a slight smile on her lips.

  He scrunched his nose, “It’s weird when you say it. But yeah, we’re going to find the others, acquire some huge-ass beanbag chairs, and we’re going to get our snuggle on. And I’m going to insist it wasn’t my idea if anyone asks, and Magnus will take the heat because he’s a Good Samaritan. Now c’mon, this is a limited time offer,” And he started walking towards the door, and if he paused to wait for Lucretia, neither of them said anything. On the way, Lucretia broke the comfortable silence surrounding them.

  “I love you all, too.”

  “Well, duh. If you didn’t you wouldn’t worry as much.”

  And he was right. But there wasn’t much of a need to worry about them anymore, was there?

  Because they did it.

  They won.

**Author's Note:**

> If you're curious, Dessa's song "Annabelle" was sort of an inspiration, so if you wanna check that out, be my guest.
> 
> I know this isn't quite in Taako's character, but I feel like I needed a Fix-it fic from the Story and Song arc going into the finale. Also, the Director is too self-sacrificing and I love her.


End file.
